Carlisle's Stethoscope
by Summer Review
Summary: Everybody loves Carlisle….ok, not really. But they do love his stethoscope. And when people take his stethoscope, Carlisle gets angry. You won't like him when he's angry…. Very much OOC, but that's what makes it fun. Entry for The Summer Review


My name is Carlisle. Dr. Carlisle. I work at Forks' hospital in Forks, Washington and I am a vampire doctor extraordinaire! I'm a hot doctor. One hot piece of vampire doctor-ness, that's what I a-

"You know I can hear your thoughts, don't you Carlisle?" My "son", Edward, called from outside the bathroom. "It's not a secret. I've been doing it for a hundred or so years and every day of these hundred years I've had the distinct pleasure-and yes, pleasure is said with the upmost sarcasm-of listening to this dumb pep-talk before you go to work."

Blah, blah, blah…. I thought before remembering what he had just told me.

"Carlisle, did you really just forget I can hear your thoughts? Don't 'blah, blah, blah' me! I'm old enough to be treated with respect! I'm a hundred years old and I think that we should be treated as equals by this point!"

I ignored him and worked on making my gorgeous blond hair perfectly slicked back.

"I can hear you thinking about ignoring m-."

I sniffed my shirt and wondered if anyone would notice that I'd been wearing the same one for the past week.

"Oh my Go-."

Or maybe it was two weeks….

"OH MY GOD!"

It couldn't have been two weeks. Vampire don't smell bad so it really shouldn't matter whether or not I change my shirt, I just wonder what people at work might think.

"They're going to think you're gross!"

I mean, I change my underwear at least once a week, so-

"Oh my God! I do not want to hear this! That's sick! Get out of the bathroom! I need to wash this mountain lion blood off my hands before school."

It really doesn't make a difference, because we don't smell. It's not gross; it's fine. I've worn some of Edward's nice beige sweaters and put them back in his drawers without him even notice-

"WHAT! Carlisle! Why would you do that? Do you hate laundry that much? So gross!"

I also like Edward's hats, the funny kind we used to wear in the olden days. He would always have cooler hats than I did, so I'd "borrow" his. Well, I suppose it was more like stealing than borrowing, but I almost always gave them back….

I heard a commotion in my bedroom. "I can ruin your stuff too, Carlisle!"

I took my time getting ready and when I had exited the bathroom I found that Edward had already stormed off, leaving furniture overturned and clothes everywhere in my room. I snatched up my briefcase for work, which was had somehow survived Edward's attack and was still untouched on my bed.

I kissed my wife, Esme, on the cheek before leaving. "Oh, and our room's been destroyed by Edward again." I told her as an afterthought. "So, if you get time, that'll need to be cleaned up."

She looked confused. "Why would he do that?"

I shrugged. "You know how boys are…."

Meanwhile, at school, Edward looked nervous.

"What's wrong, Edward?" Bella asked, resting a hand on his arm.

"I did something kind of….bad." He admitted, looking around suspiciously, as though he expected Carlisle to be hiding in the back of the Biology class.

"Did you kill someone?" Bella asked, looking stricken.

"I-what? NO!" Edward tried to correct her but she was already getting tearful.

"No, you can tell me, it's ok, I'm here for you. Just please say it was a hobo or someone without a family or something."

"Why would I kill a hobo, Bella?" He tried to comfort her, while really wondering how she could have known that he did exactly that accidentally a couple years ago. Maybe Alice said something….

"So, you didn't kill a hobo?" She asked, looking him straight in the eye.

"I…..that is not what's wrong with me now…."

"Then what is?" Before waiting for him to answer, she continued, "Are you cheating on me? Don't worry, Edward, we can work through this. Just please tell me it's not with Rosalie because I don't think I could take that level of competition."

"No, Bella! Why would I do that? Will you just let me show you what I did?"

She bit her lip, holding back her next guess, which had to do with kryptonite. A lot of her guesses had to do with kryptonite.

He reached into his book bag and pulled out-

"OH MY GOD!" Bella shrieked, clasping her hands quickly over her mouth.

"Everything okay back there?" The teacher asked, peering over the other students at them.

"Yes, sir! We're just so in awe of mitosis!" Edward covered quickly. "Oh my God, this is extraordinary! How can cells so that! It could only be God's doing."

The teacher glared, not buying it. "Just…." He trailed off, shaking his head, and continued the lesson.

"Oh God, oh God, oh God." Bella was chanting. "That…..that was a stethoscope. No, that was THE stethoscope. Edward, you took HIS stethoscope! He's going to flat out murder you! This is worse than I could have thought."

"Holding a stethoscope hostage for a while is worse than killing a hobo and cheating on you with Rose?" Edward asked, getting worried.

"That isn't just any ordinary stethoscope, Edward." Bella said, deathly serious. "That's the Stethoscope."

"Oh, God. You're right. What have I done?" If it was possible, even more color drained out of Edward's face.

"Don't worry Edward. We'll get you out of this. But we're going to need to assemble a team of people to help us." She whipped out her phone. "This calls for a mass text."


End file.
